The reluctant bride

I look out the clear, spotless window outside my bridal suite reflecting the perfect view of the wedding aisle with my name on. From my view I watch, forlorn, as guests arrive, the women shining with diamonds dripping off their necks and decorating their arms while the men escort them seemingly all freshly cleaned and dapper in suits and tuxedos.

I want to scream as they each take their seats on either sides of the aisle. My palms are sweating and a large lump settles in my stomach. I gulp when the door knob begins to rattle and my sisters saunters in, their beautiful identical faces stretching in identical smiles.

This is it, the moment everyone has been waiting for. My sisters gather on either side of me, envy written clearly on their faces as they gush and fiddle with the beads in my black afro. I force a smile and we exchange complements. Their natural beauty and curves accentuated in identical teal bridesmaid dresses that our mother chose.

I have no other bridesmaids. All my friends are unmarried. They could only attend as guests. My mother soon enters the room, tears clouding her eyes and a brilliantly proud smile on her face.

“You look so beautiful my daughter. Your father would have been proud of you,” she gushes, affectionately kissing my cheek and give my shoulders a comforting squeeze.

I try to suppress an eye-roll, thinking that if my father were still here I wouldn’t even be getting married. Mother fusses over me, fluffing the large tulle skirts around me and adding some more shimmering lotion on the exposed areas of skin not covered by the modest dress.

The corset of the gown is restricting my lungs and suffocating me, I hyperventilate until mother announces that the wedding is supposed to start soon.

I don’t want this - I never wanted this, but if I voice my thoughts I would just anger her.

“We’re family Maria and family makes sacrifices all the time. You have the chance to be a hero and save us all, don’t you want to take it?”

Of course I would love to give my family a chance they have been robbed of a long time ago, but I had different plans for doing this. I was going to go to university and get a degree, work for my success and get my mother out of the township. Never in a million years did I imagine that I’d be walking down the aisle at the age of nineteen.

Marriage wasn’t part of the plan, especially getting married to a man twice my age. A man I’ve never met in my life.

“It’s time,” one of my aunts say, peaking into the room.

“Five more minutes,” mom says. She clips the veil on, covering my face and any hope I had for a different future. As she walks me out of the room and escorts me to my wedding ceremony, I pray in my heart for a way I can escape without having to go through with this horrible deal.

I know if my uncles find me they will all beat me and probably kill me, telling me that I’m an embarrassment and that I’m ungrateful. They only success a woman can have is through her husband, they think. From the beginning they were against me going to university and becoming a doctor. No man would want to marry me if I’m smarter than him, but they don’t know how smart I already am.

The wedding march starts and the congregation starts. My feet feel like lead and with every step closer to my future husband the door with light streaming through it closes more and more until there is only darkness. Tear of grief fall from my eyes as I say “I do,” and everyone cheers and whistle. Closing my eyes, I let the strange man pull up my veil and seal my fate with a kiss. We both turn to the crowd and I don’t bother to hide my grief.

They should see what I’m sacrificing for them: my freedom, my happiness…my sense of being. From now on I’ll only be a shell of the girl I used to be. From this moment forward, my mother will no longer starve, my sisters will now be able to go to the store and get whatever they want. The will be given opportunities I never had.

And why?

Because from the moment we said ‘I do’, I sealed my fate with the devil. I willingly destroyed any hope I had for myself and opened the door to my family’s happiness.

The only price?

My freedom.